As I prepared myself to jump on the scales, I could already feel my heart beating, what would it be today? My morning check-in, it would determine how much I would allow myself to eat today. Nervously, I stepped on, and quickly glanced at the number. Hold on, was this correct?! I jumped off, ok, let's try again- take 2, but it was the same number. I was 200g heavier than yesterday. How could this be?! I'd barely eaten anything all day, maybe I was careless or didn't measure quantities properly or maybe I had forgotten to track everything over the day. I started recalling every single thing I'd eaten over and over again, perhaps I had miscalculated a food. My head was spinning, I felt as though my head was going to explode. . I couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted it to stop.
For the next 2 years, it didn't stop, perhaps it wasn't so loud at times but mostly it was always there, checking that I was following the 'rules'! It had become habitual, but how would I cope without ED? I was so scared of letting it go that I'd lost sight of what was real and not real, healthy and unhealthy, normal and distorted.
I did eventually let it go, it didn't happen overnight and was probably one of the hardest things I've done- it had become part of me, who I was- or who I thought I had to be.
What I say to ED now-
"thank you for being there when no one else was and for making me feel safe and secure- but now that you've gone, my life is full of opportunities, challenges and spontaneity; I have learnt to sit with distress and hurt; I have learnt to ask for help when I need to but most importantly to accept me as me......and that's ok.
